The Return of my Arch-Nemesis

Many people may not know that I have had to have two surgeries in the last two months. Back in May, I had a lump down by my c-section scar that just popped up one day and was really painful and bothering me. I went to my Ob/gyn to see what it was and she said that she wasn't sure, but it was one of three things: a cyst, a lump of scar tissue or endometriosis in my c-section scar.  The only way to find out was to surgically remove it and since it was painful I decided to go ahead and do it before we left NY and had to change insurances and start all over with deductibles and what not. I had surgery June 3rd and as you may know, we moved June 11th. Bad timing?  A little bit. Was it helpful? Yes. My neighbors and friends in Rochester were wonderful to come to my aid and bring us meals, watch Kaden and help us out while I recovered and Curtis finished up school. We're so blessed!

A week after the surgery I got the news that the lab had run tests on the lump they removed and it was indeed my old nemesis, endometriosis.  Since it had migrated to the outer layer of my scar tissue, Dr. Sheffield was very concerned that endometriosis was spreading inside of me again and she suggested another laparoscopy to remove the problem so I could get pregnant.  (We've been trying since November 2013 for baby #2 and she figured this was the reason that things weren't working the way we'd hoped.)

We moved back to Utah and I called up my old ob/gyn, Dr. Olsen, who is a miracle-worker in my mind. (He was the doctor to finally figure out after so many years what was preventing my pregnancies,  diagnose me with endometriosis and he was the one who did my surgeries that helped us get Kaden.) I adore the man, and as luck would have it our insurance covered him, so even though Logan is a long drive from Salt Lake, I wanted a doctor I knew/trusted to do yet another surgery.

The procedure went as could be expected, but when they tried to flush my tubes with fluid to clear any potential blockage, they found that they were completely blocked.  The endometriosis had damaged them to the point that they were non-functional now. This news was obviously devastating to me since the egg has to be able to travel through the fallopian tubes to implant in the uterus. No tubes? No baby.  Dr. Olsen sadly informed me that there was nothing more he could do to help me, and told me in-vitro would likely be my only option from here on out for more kids. Not exactly the news you want to hear coming out of a graduate school program and trying to pay off student loans, buy a 2nd car and save for a house since in-vitro costs between $15,000 and $25,000. I cried my tears that day and mourned the simplicity that is pregnancy for most people, that will never be me, then decided to move on with life and put my sadness behind me.

I got an appointment right away and met with the specialist, Dr. Hatasaka and was still hoping in the back of my mind that there might be a procedure to fix my damaged tubes. There's not, at least not one that won't cause more damage. So, we decided to move forward in the in-vitro process.   I've honestly felt nothing but gratitude and peace since my 2nd surgery. I feel it was inspired that we did both of those when we did. I am grateful to know the cause of the problem so we can stop guessing why I'm not pregnant, month after month, and move forward. I'm grateful for modern medicine that allows us to have another baby and grow our family, despite my imperfect body.  I'm grateful for good doctors and supportive family that have rallied around us. Even though this is a hard trial, I just know in my heart that things will work out and our family will grow as it needs to, on the Lord's timetable. I have decided I can't feel bad that all of my friends that I was pregnant with around Kaden are all having a second baby right now. I can't feel bad that I don't fall into the "typical LDS timeline" for everything. I can't feel bad that both of my sister-in-laws are pregnant and so are tons of my cousins and cousin's wives. I can't feel bad about any of it because it allows bitterness to creep in, and after my last bout of infertility, that is the last thing I want is to be bitter and depressed.  My last round of infertility took me as low as I've ever been before I was able to pull out of it with the help of the Savior. It brought me closer to Christ and deepened my testimony of the Atonement. As painful as that 2.5 years was while we waited for Kaden, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Not that infertility will ever be easy or painless, because it's not, but I will say that this round of infertility feels easier because I already have my sweet Kaden bug. He makes my heart happy and has been such an incredible blessing to me to heal my broken heart and remove the bitterness from it.  He blesses our lives daily and I can't describe how just already having one sweet baby in our home makes it less painful while we wait for the rest to join us eventually.  Whenever his siblings come, they'll be so lucky to have this sweet boy for a big brother.