Before you read this, let me give as a disclaimer that I'm sharing this very personal trial with others only with the hope that it can help others to realize they're not alone, as well as perhaps provide some insight into how to be more sensitive if you've never experienced infertility struggles. Feel free to share with others who you feel might need to hear my story.
Infertility is not a new struggle/battle for us. We've been married since 2009 and our battle began in 2010. If you've never experienced the anguish of infertility, it can be overwhelming. I can't tell you how many times I was asked, "when are you going to have kids?" or "why don't you have kids yet?" or "how old are you? And you don't have kids yet?" (I was ancient... like 26...) Sometimes I'd just shrug them off and say, "I don't know." Other times I was snarky and would say things like, "when my body decides to cooperate," or I even used, "I hate kids," to which people would gasp and look astonished and ask the follow-up question of, "aren't you an elementary teacher?" To which I'd reply, "yes and I hate them all." (Not true of course).
Infertility crept into every aspect of my life. It affected my marriage, my spirituality, my job, my happiness, everything. I struggled to go to church because all I saw were couples with babies. I struggled to be around my pregnant friends and co-workers that were complaining about being pregnant, when I'd have given anything to switch them places. There were days when I hated my job and my church calling in nursery because it was a constant reminder of how I was surrounded by children, and yet had none of my own. I felt very alone and unfortunately, no one knew what I was going through except for my husband and our parents. I didn't even talk to my siblings or closest friends about anything.
I got to a stage where I honestly felt abandoned by God and felt like He didn't love me, or I was somehow unworthy of his blessings. I fell into a deep depression and allowed myself to become very bitter. I'd call in sick to work a lot, and just stay home and cry all day. I started making excuses not to be intimate with my husband because I felt like it was just a reminder of my constant frustration of being childless, and often I felt like if it didn't result in a positive pregnancy test, what was the point? I honestly hit rock bottom because I felt so sad and so alone. One day as I was at one of my lowest points, I remembered a talk that had been given in an LDS General Conference in October 2007 by Spencer J. Condie and decided to re-read it. It was the story of Jacob and Rachel from the Bible. "
As Jacob matured and became of appropriate age, his parents sent him to the household of Laban, where he would meet Laban’s two daughters, Leah and Rachel. Jacob told Laban, “I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. … And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her” (Genesis 29:18, 20).
You will recall how Laban beguiled young Jacob into first marrying Leah and then Rachel. “And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren” (Genesis 29:31). And Leah bore Reuben, then Simeon, then Levi, and Judah. Meanwhile, Rachel remained childless (see Genesis 29:32–35).With ever-increasing envy and mounting desperation, one day Rachel explosively demanded of Jacob, “Give me children, or else I die” (Genesis 30:1). Leah subsequently bore two more sons and a daughter.
The Apostle Peter testified that “the Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering” toward us (2 Peter 3:9). In this age of one-hour dry cleaning and one-minute fast-food franchises, it may at times seem to us as though a loving Heavenly Father has misplaced our precious promises or He has put them on hold or filed them under the wrong name. Such were the feelings of Rachel. But with the passage of time, we encounter four of the most beautiful words in holy writ: “And God remembered Rachel."
I don't think that I had an immediate change of attitude or perspective, but I think that talk reminded me that I'm feeling like Rachel, but God hasn't forgotten me. In fact, I took great comfort in the fact that there were so many stories of infertility in the Bible- Sarah, Rebekah, Elisabeth... I have to think it's to remind women that it's always been a struggle throughout time and history.
I eventually decided I had to pick myself up and find ways to move on, or I was never going to be happy again. It's been a long process to regain my spirituality and heal the wounds in my marriage, but it's happened. I found that opening up to others was what finally started to heal me, as well as trying to have a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father. I was so worried if I told people what was happening that they would judge me, or think there was something wrong with me. I don't know why that was such a great fear of mine, but it was. I prayed for strength to be able to be close to others again. As I shared my heart and struggles with other women, I found that so many were experiencing similar struggles to get pregnant, or stay pregnant or grow their family after one or two kids. I had colleagues, friends from high school, college, church and in my neighborhood and book group that were all able to relate to me. I had such a bigger support network than I'd ever realized, and it had been there all along, I just had refused to see it.
We waited 30 months before we finally had a breakthrough. When I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis after a laparoscopy in November 2011, I felt like I finally had something to grasp onto, to explain all the months of waiting, tears, anguish and frustration. Endometriosis is a condition where lesions grow in and around your uterus and female reproductive areas, preventing an egg from implanting. Once I had my laparoscopy, a procedure where they go in and remove the lesions with a tiny laser, we were able to get pregnant within a month! It was a miracle and I honestly think Heavenly Father knew how much I could handle, and I'd hit my breaking point. His whole birth was a total miracle, as was his delivery. We finally had our sweet baby, 4 weeks early, but we had him nonetheless.
Fast forward to November 2013. We started trying for baby #2. After 8 months of trying with no success, I found out that endometriosis had again returned and was inside my c-section scar. My doctor was worried that it was getting worse, so she suggested I have another laparoscopy ASAP to remove the problem. Long story short, I went in for that procedure and they tried to flush my tubes at the end, just to remove any potential blockage and that was when my doctor discovered that my tubes were totally blocked due to scar tissue from the endometriosis.
I went to a specialist in desperation, hoping for a procedure to fix my blocked tubes. He explained that there wasn't one, and in-vitro would be our only option from here on out. At first I was devastated to think that we were going to have yet another round of struggle to have more kids. Part of me knew in the back of my mind that it was never going to be that easy for me, to just have one and then keep popping them out. This time around I felt determined to allow this to make me better, not bitter. I decided to count my blessings and focus on the good that I had in my life, instead of what I was lacking. I realized that it's a blessing that I still have an option to have my own children. What an incredible day and age we live in that this is even possible! I have an incredible husband, supportive extended family, sweet two year old boy and so many other good things that I couldn't possibly be ungrateful right now.
After finding out in July that we need to do in-vitro to grow our family further, since "natural pregnancy" is not an option anymore, we have been very busy trying to get everything done that needs to happen. I had no idea how involved of a process in-vitro is, as well as more emotional than I thought it would be. There are about 4 initial tests that Curtis had to do, and about 15 that I had to do, to rule out any additional problems that would complicate the in-vitro (ovulation, sperm problems, etc...) They do testing for infectious diseases (FDA requirement), and testing for things I didn't even know you could test for. I've been down and back between my house and the doctor's office more times than I can count now, but it's all hopefully going to be worth it.
Once I "officially" started my in-vitro cycle this past month, they put you on birth control for two months to control when you ovulate, then take you off and have you start doing daily injections of FSH (follicle-stimulating hormones) that help the eggs mature more quickly. I didn't realize that I was that freaked out by needles until I tried to give myself a shot in the stomach the first night and I just couldn't do it. Curtis is almost more freaked out by needles than I am, but he's an awesome husband and was willing to do the shots for me. I kind of dreaded bedtime, because that meant I was going to get 1-2 shots in my stomach, but I had to just take a deep breath and look at a picture of my sweet boy, remind myself how much I love him and why I'm willing to do this to grow our family.
During the time of the injections I was going to the doctor's office every other day for them to draw blood to measure my hormone/estrogen levels and also do a daily vaginal ultrasound to check on the progress of the eggs. Apparently I did my injections incorrectly the first three nights and forgot to add one of the necessary medications into the injection, so my estrogen levels were not looking good at the beginning. My doctor upped my dose of meds and pushed back my egg retrieval day. I was so panicked and worried that I'd messed this whole process up and wasted thousands of dollars in meds/time for this cycle. We prayed really hard for things to work themselves out and asked for the prayers of family as well during this time.
As Heavenly Father's tender mercies often come when you need them, at my next appointment I was back on track and things were looking good. Once the eggs were deemed mature enough and my estrogen levels were where the doctor wanted them, we went in for my egg retrieval. It's a tiny surgery that they put me under anesthesia for, but wasn't painful at all. (I was just supposed to rest that day, which was easy since I was pretty drowsy from the meds.) They removed the eggs and then hand them over to the embryologist to let them fertilize in a petri dish in the lab for a few days.
We had a little scare the day after the egg retrieval. Usually they like to retrieve 10-12 eggs, so that they have a lot of options and can test for the best ones and give you the best chance of a pregnancy, as well as have some left over to freeze so next time you can skip that step in the cycle (which was our plan). Unfortunately they were only able to find 2 eggs and the nurse called me the day after the procedure and told me one wasn't looking so great. I was discouraged, but decided again to leave it in Heavenly Father's hands. I figure it only takes one to work, so we asked again for the prayers of those around us.
I have a friend, Elise, 3 doors down that did in-vitro about a year ago to get her sweet baby. She has been an invaluable help to me. I have relied on her so much to help me get through all of this and it's just been so nice to have a friend who knows exactly what I'm going through. She's been such a blessing to me, I can't even describe how grateful I've been for her. I don't think it was coincidence that we needed to move to this area. On the day after my egg retrieval I was super discouraged and had to take something over to her that night. She asked how things were going and I told her how discouraged that I was that it didn't seem like my odds were that great. She was so sweet to listen and say all the right things. The next night she brought me flowers and just said, "these are to give you hope and remind you that people care." I can't tell you how touched I was by her sweet and sincere gesture of love. It was exactly what I needed that night.
When we went back in a few days later for the embryo transfer, they had good news for us that both eggs were given a grade of "good." (The highest they can get is "excellent, which only 3-4% of eggs get, followed by good, fair, poor.) So since they both looked good they asked us if we wanted to put in one or two, and we decided to put two eggs in, just to increase our chances of getting at least one to work, since my odds were only 45% this first try.
October 11, 2014- The embryo transfer itself was a really cool procedure. They didn't put me under, just gave me some Valium to help me relax, then Curtis and I dressed in our hospital best and walked into the OR.
I know, you're all jealous of my sweet footwear...
The embryo lab is adjacent to the OR, so the embryologist had a camera on his microscope that was hooked up to a tv, that we could see in the OR. We watched him zoom in on the two tiny eggs, then he zoomed out and they were honestly the size of a period at the end of a sentence. So small!!! We watched him suck them up into this tiny, tiny tube, then bring them into the OR. They had an ultrasound on my stomach area, so that we could see when they went into my body and what the doctor was doing. It was really cool to watch the doctor insert this little tiny tube and see the eggs get shot into my uterus. That was it. It took 30 minutes, and then the rest of the day we went and enjoyed Homecoming events at USU. No pain, no rest necessary, just simple and easy.
Now we wait. I can't just "cheat" and do an over the counter pregnancy test because the drugs I've been on will simulate either a false positive or sometimes even a false negative. So a few weeks after my procedure we will go in for a blood pregnancy test and then a week or so later they will do an ultrasound to confirm if the pregnancy test was correct or not. This has been the LONGEST few weeks of my life to just wait and wait and wonder and hope and pray that it worked. This whole process has been crazy and chaotic. My house is a disaster, my life feels like a mess, I've practically lived in my car driving back and forth between doctor appts and poor Kaden has been back and forth between relative's/babysitter's houses more times than I care to count, but even still it's all worth it to me. (This is a picture of my kitchen that I took during the weeks of a million doctor visits. That would've also been the week that our dishwasher decided not to work anymore and the maintenance guy couldn't come for 4 days... ha ha! My life was literally a mess, ha!)
This whole process has honestly been so amazing to me! I am amazed at the intelligent people that Heavenly Father has inspired to have developed the process of in-vitro. It's amazing to me that they've found ways to simulate the natural things that the body does during pregnancy and make it into a medication you can just inject into your body. It's amazing to me that I can still have a chance of having my own babies, even with an imperfect and often uncooperative body. I feel like this process has been amazing to remind me of God's love for me. I've felt the prayers of those around me and seen little miracles along the way during this whole process. I've been blessed with wonderful family and friends and people who care about us and are rooting for us and hoping it works. Regardless of whether this round of in-vitro works, I feel like I've been so blessed and have learned so much. I'm so grateful for everything. Even though I hope with all of my heart that it works, if it doesn't, it's not going to destroy me. I feel like my faith is stronger than ever in my Heavenly Father's plan and timing for me and my family. And in the meantime, I'm so grateful for my sweet boy and blessed to be a mom.
I really hope that something I've said can help someone in some way. Please know if you're going through any stage of infertility- no kids yet, trying to grow your family and it's not working, miscarriages, whatever, I think that the key to not allowing it to consume you is to talk to others and talk to God. If I've learned nothing else from all of this, it's that people care, people love you and you probably have a bigger support circle than you realize, but others may be hesitant to share their difficult trials as well. I'd love it if you'd leave a comment to let me know you stopped by.
Much love,
Gentri
